Is it just us, or did 2009 completely suck? The economy tanked, automakers went bankrupt, celebrities died left and right (and not even the good ones). Ugh, midnight cannot come fast enough.
Since early this morning, our crack team of auto journalists/clairvoyants has been drinking tea -- mostly English breakfast and Earl Grey, with one small pot of lapsang souchong for Someone Who Just HAS to be Difficult -- and we've now begun reading the leaves. Our visions are still a bit fuzzy (that pitcher of Bloody Marys probably isn't helping), but we can already see that 2010 is going to be far more interesting than the 365 crap-filled days that preceded it. Among the major celebrity events we've foreseen* are these humdingers:
♦ Justin Timberlake will follow other Audi celebrity endorsers into a strange fame purgatory, in which sexy will be neither back nor front, up nor down. Seal, Carla Vallet, and the semi-surviving cast of 60 Minutes will welcome him.
♦ Worried that JT may help Audi achieve its goal of luxury domination, BMW will select a handful of American pop stars as spokesmodels. The limited edition MINI Gaga will feature special paparazzi-deflecting headlamps, and Beyonce will single-handedly make the Bangle Butt fashionable again. (She also puts a 'ring on it by lapping Nuerburgring in record time.) Linda Hunt and Sylvester Stallone duke it out for the Isetta sponsorship.
♦ Like Tara Reid, Taylor Lautner, Scott Caan and other sixpack celebs, the best look for cars in 2010 will be topless. Mario Batali, Tyne Daly, and the Chrysler Sebring are warned. Never. NEVER.
♦ Someone at Ford will finally grow tired of Toby Keith's crap and assign him to stack shopping carts at the Wal-Mart in heavily Muslim East Dearborn, Michigan. When Keith goes missing, Lee Greenwood is "sent to find him." Neither is heard from again.
♦ Chinese automaker BYD will go for a literal splash at the 2010 Paris auto show, but while doing research for the presentation, BYD's ad agency instigates an epic FAIL by googling "water sports" instead of "Michael Phelps." The company makes automotive history by staging the first inadvertently X-rated press conference in auto industry history.
♦ Amy Winehouse will grind and snort the entire staff of Inside Line. On principle.
♦ The Chinese will leave HUMMER's cake out in the rain, allowing former Secretary of State Condi Rice to snatch its assets and turns HUMMER's Quonset-themed showrooms into GITMO-themed health clubs for really, really dedicated boot campers. First month's waterboardings are on the house!
♦ Ford's social media team will have a #collective #cow after intercepting one awful tweet: "#MikeRowe caught performing #DirtyJob in Detroit Metro washroom." The company breathes a sigh of relief when the next tweet arrives: "#psych he's just mopping up the floor."
Stay tuned for more exciting things to come. We'll see you next year.
* These predictions may or may not be accurate. In fact, they're probably completely fabricated. Consuming more than three gallons of any caffeinated beverage can be hazardous to your health and should only be conducted under a doctor's supervision and/or with vast quantities of Mexican-grade anti-anxiety medication on hand. Should any CelebsAndCars.com predictions come true in 2010, we accept no responsibility. Unless it's something really, really good, in which case, we deserve credit. Or we'll totally sue.