Hey, Jennifer Aniston: Can we just count the number of ways you take, take, take and never give back?

Jesus, it's like hanging out with Winona Ryder at the CVS pharmacy window. Somehow everything cool ends up in YOUR handbag.

Here's the short list we angrily tapped into our 16GB iPhone (we know, yours is probably a 32GB):

Friends: We can't get a bit part on a crappy Bravo reality show, and you roll around in major royalty money. The kind of money that will let you host swanky to-dos well into your 80s while the rest of America waits in line at Chuck E. Cheese.

Marley and Me: We heard you got to keep the dog. (I hope he has ear mites!)

Brad Pitt: You got to boink him for the better half of a decade without ruining your figure with kids and all. And now he's starting to look a little rough around the edges. What, is your vajayjay Dorian Gray's attic?

Gerard Butler: We were almost willing to forgive your trespassing on King Leonidas, since we think we may have the inside line on this one. But cozying up to him in this vintage aqua-blue Olds convertible is just too much. Do you have to look all fresh and dewy at 40 years old, and shag Hollywood's hottest action, and roll up in Snoop Dogg style, all at once?

It's time for you to move on, lady. There's nothing else for you to take here. Oh wait, we do have some pennies and a used-up Borders gift card. Want that, too?

[With apologies to SocialiteLife]