Katie Price

Katie Price

Dear Katie Price:

We think we speak for all Americans when we ask, "Now, why are you important, again?"

Sure, we understand that you're pretty. We understand that under the name "Jordan", you made many readers of The Sun [NSFW] very happy by showing off your newly enhanced bosom. We even understand that you can sing, although we can't bring ourselves to listen to anything you've recorded. (In fact, we can't even bring ourselves to search YouTube for it. That's how terrified we are. Are you happy now, Katie?)

Now here are the things we don't understand:

♦ How, exactly, did you score a gig designing equestrian clothing?

♦ How, exactly, did you score a gig designing equestrian clothing for children?

♦ Why, at the tender age of 31, do you have not one, but two autobiographies in print?

All were saying is: look, we already have one boob-flashing, animal-loving sex-symbol in America, and her name is Pamela Anderson Lee. Furthermore, with every young starlet in recent memory exposing their nether regions for every camera with a built-in flash, we don't really need another attention-magnet skeezing up the scene. We beg of you: please ride off into the sunset with your custom Iveco ho(rse) trailer and your new cage-fighting boyfriend, and stop terrorizing the children.