Adam Carolla in Toyota GP gear

Adam Carolla in Toyota GP gear

Look, we know that Top Gear USA just launched, and we know that sometimes it takes a few episodes for a show to get warmed up (e.g. Mad Men, Nurse Jackie, Facts of Life). But as much as we (pretend to) hate jumping to conclusions, in this case, there's only one we can reach: Top Gear USA is terrible. And that's why we're happy to hear that comedian and car nut Adam Carolla is heading an as-yet-unnamed show on SPIKE to take on Top Gear USA.

Adam, if you're reading this, we have a couple of friendly suggestions. We know that you're probably giddy with glee to see the "official" Top Gear USA in the tanks -- especially after producers canned you for a much lower-rent Adam (i.e. Ferrara). But unless you pay attention to Top Gear USA's many, many mistakes, you could end up at the same FAIL Party:

1. Lose the wooden dialogue. We know TV shows have to be scripted, just like we know the original Top Gear is scripted, but you're in California. Surely there's an acting coach (or three) lying around.

2. Find some better stunts -- and enjoy them. The pranks that Clarkson, Hammond, and May carry out can be pretty hokey, but at least they don't let audiences know that they're in on the joke. They buy into it, just like Lucille Ball when she snarfed up all those chocolates on the assembly line. Just pretend it's for real.

3. Aim a little higher. Please, don't treat the audience as if they've never seen a stick shift before. Everyone may not understand all of the technical details of the cars you're covering, but they'll catch up.

4. For jeebus' sake, have a little fun. Ferrara, Foust, and Wood seem like they're being forced to do the show at gunpoint. Try not to look like that.

5. Hurry.