Here in America, we think of Brits as comparatively calm and even-keeled -- the kind who'll offer you a pleasant "Good day, sir!" as you board a lifeboat while they stand shivering on the deck of the Titanic. But at least one of our friends from Albion seems to be a little cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs, and things only get worse when he's near an airport.

In the past, actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers has run into trouble at major airports in Dublin and Paris -- allegedly because he was hopped up on the hooch -- and earlier this month, the guy was banned from a United Airlines flight at JFK. (In fact, as we understand it, dude was banned from United Airlines, period.) Apparently, Johnny got a little applesauced in the first-class lounge waiting for his flight to board, then got belligerent with a UA worker. And like a certain fellow member of the commonwealth, he didn't just get crazy: the boy started hurling epithets around -- specifically, the N-Word. (NB: allegedly.) Now, he's prepping for his fourth trip to rehab. Such a trouper.

Jon -- if you're listening -- stick to land travel. You've got a perfectly lovely Range Rover at your disposal (see link below), and it's comfy, and apart from the occasional valet, you won't have to ride around with anyone whose skin is darker than your own. (Just steer clear of Padma Lakshmi, Eva Longoria, Penelope Cruz, Megan Fox...well, basically anyone who's ever been to Los Angeles.). All we ask is that you ease up on the booze when you're behind the wheel. Oh, and say hello to LiLo for us.