Dear Mr. Hanks:
Just to be clear, we're not morally opposed to the Chevrolet Tahoe. They are driven by our friends, neighbors, and even family members. (Well, distant family members.) They are an important patch of beige in the crazy quilt of American culture -- bland, perhaps, but they allow every other ride to shine a little brighter. They mean no harm.
1. Is that really a champagne Tahoe?
3. No come on.
4. Please tell us that your mother picked that out for you.
5. Also: are we crazy, or is that a conventional Tahoe, not a hybrid?
6. You're still a Hollywood celebrity, right?
7. You understand the importance of hybrids and green things and being kind to trees for people who live in LA?
8. Or have you turned your back on the Hollywood machine and abandoned us to the Freddie Prinze Juniors of the acting world?
9. We hope we're wrong about #8, because we heard a rumor that you're going to be in a movie version of Bosom Buddies, which sounds much better than two hours of talking to a volleyball (just so you know). We might even pay money for that instead of relying on Ye Olde Bittorrent.
10. But getting back to the ride: shouldn't an A-Lister like you be in a Cadillac, like Paris Hilton (who is, in fact, a B-Lister, but she's driving a hybrid, so it kind of evens out)? Or maybe a Suburban, like Brangelina and Mary Cheney? Not that you asked for our opinion, but you might wanna think about upping your game given your recent taste in acting projects. Ahem.