Hugh Jackman and Harley Davidson

Hugh Jackman and Harley Davidson

Hey, Hugh Jackman,

Normally we'd just ping you on Facebook, but there are a few important things we need to discuss with you concerning this rather artificial application of manliness, and the way you've chosen to straddle it for the cameras.

The Harley-Davidson motorcycle is not an object to be taken lightly.

It's ripe with testosterone, heady with horsepower. It can be a cruel mistress.

We know, we know--it's stitched with so much leather you may have momentarily confused it for a Gaultier settee. It is not.

You may have missed this fact in the popular English-speaking media, but the Harley-Davidson motorcycle is best savored unironically by shirtless, hirsute Hell's Angels in lowriders--not by Tony winners wearing crisp white linens shirts and hairstyles that seriously remind us of Car and Driver's West Coast Web editor Steve Siler.

No worries, as "your people" say. We know you've deftly brushed off gender-orientation questions in the past, with witty aplomb. Keep doing that--we love your warmth and sincerity and humane worldview. However, we'll just point out, gently, that riding such a manly machine across a red carpet, in the Roppongi Hills shopping center, in Tokyo, neatly snuffs out all remaining traces of heterosexuality from the motorcycle in question. Trust us when we say, in our experience, you'd appear more butch cruising the regulars at the Lone Star or the Rawhide in full Tom of Finland attire.

There's no need to push the envelope in this manner. We understand that you're over there to work your latest Wolverine flick, but really--you're the sexiest man alive, or so People tells us, and you're already married. To a woman! There's no need to layer on the masculinity like this fall's most fashion-forward ensembles. Especially since we hear you're headed back to, er, Broadway, to perform with Daniel Craig and his newfound mustache in a man-on-man piece called A Steady Rain.

Here with an umbrella of love and admiration in case you need it, and it's nice, it goes with your eyes,