From the PR Offices of CelebsAndCars

Dean Jon Gosselin:

As your media representation--and as self-appointed tastemakers and cultural protectors--we're hereby sending official notice that your midlife crisis is getting way too obvious, way too early.

You're just 32 years old, but already we've confirmed the first three steps in a classic 40-something freakout:

1) You've dumped your hot older (though possibly stalker-ish) wife for the 22-year-old daughter of your wife's plastic surgeon. Seriously? The girlfriend would have to be a Mousketeer to top that.

2) You're wearing your baseball hat turned backwards. The bro-code clearly states that all hats are to be worn forward after the age of 25.

3) The tipping point--you've been spotted shopping for a Porsche. You already have a BMW, Jon. A Porsche can hold four, maybe five of those adorable children. What are those other three little human shields going to do? Wait at the Citgo for handouts from the Hostess delivery guy? Pump gas at the age of 18 months old?

Jon, it's fine to have those off-camera "Maury moments." We realize that TLC is diving deeply into cable TV's black lagoon with your show, but there's no reason to wander off the talking points at this stage of the game. You're young. You're in a troubled marriage. You're the poster child for vasectomy. Own that.

Give us a call to discuss. Oh, and if Us Magazine calls, remember to repeat after us: "I did it for the children."

[RadarOnline via TheSuperficial]