Liza Minnelli

Liza Minnelli

Now that the confetti has settled (and the stomachs, too), it's time to get down to serious business: psychic predictions for the coming year. We brewed ourselves a pot of coffee, blended in the dregs from the vuvuzela that doubled as a champagne flute on Friday night, and chugged it with a couple of day-old Krispy-Kreme krullers. The visions came fast and furious: 

1. Lady Gaga shelves her singing career, changes that coif from tennis-ball-yellow to Barbi-Benton-brown, and becomes a diplomat for the U.S. However, she remains popular for endorsements and serves as spokesmodel for the all-new Gaga from Tata -- available only in fire-engine red.

2. Speaking of endorsements: Liza Minnelli's boozy tete-a-tete with a marketing intern from Mazda results in a new ad campaign: "Mazda with a Z!" The company recovers sometime in 2018.

3. The ShamWow guy's third cousin invents a snuggie for cars. Sales are dismal until Justin Bieber features it in his newest video. By 2013, the company's valuation rivals that of Twitter (which, by then, is around $1.98).

4. Lindsay Lohan joins Tumblr, then abandons it after she realizes that it crashes more often than she does.

5. Patrick Warburton is tapped to be the voice of Suzuki. Sales don't improve, but the ads sound AWESOME.

6. Mel Gibson comes out of the closet in an effort to score work in Hollywood again. He's cast in Logo's The A-List, but canned after it's revealed that he's in a self-abusive relationship.    

7. Gary Busey's teeth are studied by an international cadre of scientists to create a new reflective paint for traffic lanes and industrial equipment. Accidents plummet.

8. Like Poltergeist and Show Girls, Transformers 3 effectively ends the careers of everyone involved. Megan Fox, on the other hand, stars in a remake of Barb Wire by the Coen Brothers and catapults to Oscar glory.

9. Beyonce puts a 'ring on it -- the Nurburgring, that is. She takes a lap of the famous track in an retro-glam AMC Gremlin for her newest music video. Ebay Motors searches for "Gremlin" subsequently rival Google searches for "Martha Stewart nude". Which isn't exactly a trending topic, but it's better than nothing. (Maybe.)

10. David Hasselhoff is pressed into service for PSAs about the dangers of eating cheeseburgers and driving. McDonald's stores in Germany fold within a month.

11. Roni Deutch rips a hole in the spacetime continuum when she backs into her second car and tries to sue herself. As it turns out, the world doesn't end in fire or in ice, but in court.