Phoebe Price

Phoebe Price

Wow. Phoebe Price. You totally take the cake. Which, judging by this photo, would appear to be a blueberry cheesecake, slightly stale, made of very artificial ingredients.

See, we stumbled across a gallery full of celebs at the gas station -- Paris Hilton gamely pumping her Bentley Continental GTC, a butched-up Kristen Stewart and her appropriately diminutive MINI, Halle Berry and that Lexus we love -- and yet, somehow we couldn't take our eyes off you. Mostly we were shocked that you were topping off a tank instead of taking off your top. But whatever: we have a feeling you like our stares. You're the only one in the gallery who bothered to pose for the camera.

If we may be blunt: we don't understand why you're famous. Paris Hilton has a humongo merchandising machine behind her and a long series of reality shows under her undoubtedly expensive belt. K-Stew is the leading actress of her generation. And Halle is...well, she's FREAKIN' HALLE BERRY. And what, exactly, are you? Why do people take your picture? Do they fondly remember your performance as "Fressa" in Strawberries for the Homeless? Do they think you've escaped from the circus? The loony bin? Do they really have loony bins for people like you to escape from anymore? See, you consistently blow our minds.

But more to the point:  who buys you nice things like this BMW 3-Series coupe of recent vintage? Are they blind? Is Stevie Wonder your sugardaddy? 'Cause we know people who know people who know his cousins. We have a good mind to drop a dime on you, except we're worried you might hurt the dog in retaliation. And also we don't have any dimes to drop because everyone uses cell phones these days. Which would explain why your differently genitaled doppelganger, Carrot Top, isn't doing those 1-800-COLLECT commercials anymore.

Holy crap. Major realization: we've never seen you and Carrot Top in the same photo. Could you be the same person? Sources say you have the same taste in...well, in certain things. It would explain so very much.