Dear Hollywood:
We demand that you cease and desist directing, producing, promoting, or in any way encouraging Adam Sandler to appear in more "bro-medies".
We don't think that "bro-medies" is a real word -- in fact, we hope it's not. We just dreamed it up to describe whatever Sandler's been doing since Punch Drunk Love. It is not an especially accurate term, nor is it clever. In fact, it makes us feel a little dirty and a lot nauseated. Much like I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.
Speaking of I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry (nine words we have NEVER strung together), we must also demand that you cease and desist shoving Kevin James down the same career path as Mr. Sandler. Because the thing is, they're both fairly talented -- in fact, we've seen moments of genuine emotion from each. But you are ruining their lives, much as you ruined the careers of Steve Guttenberg and Harold Ramis. Do you even REMEMBER Harold Ramis? Of course you don't. HE WAS THE THIRD GHOSTBUSTER, FER CRYINOUTLOUD. You destroyed him. You did this. YOU. How do you even live with yourself?
We're making this request now because we've just heard that you're planning another Adam Sandler/Kevin James flick. "Oh, but it will be hilarious!" you say. "They're going to be valets who accidentally see a crime and then go on the lam to escape the bad guys!" But none of us really want to see Sandler and James hiding in trash cans or stuck in vaguely offensive homoerotic situations just to dodge a bullet. Been there, done that, bittorrented the film, and sent it to the recycle bin. NEXT.
Why don't you go pick on some talentless hacks like Rob Schneider and/or Chris Kattan? Surely, they could use the money. Hire them before they really hit bottom and write a tell-all exposing your seamy underbelly. We don't exactly know what "seamy" means, but it doesn't sound good, does it? Well, does it?
So there.
Sincerely,
Moviegoers of Planet Earth
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