Here is a list of things that would be surprising:
1. Anne Heche making a comeback.
2. Weapons of mass destruction discovered in Britney Spears' bonus room.
3. Certain members of our staff not standing in line for the newest Apple-branded colostomy bag (or whatever proprietary whirligig they're selling this week).
Here are some things that are not surprising:
1. Oprah making money.
2. Julia Roberts and Gwyneth Paltrow battling for the title of Most Blissed-Out.
3. Jason Statham in a traffic-cone orange Lamborghini Murcielago.
Take a look at this list of "The 20 Coolest Celebrity Cars of All Time". If that's not a cure for insomnia, what is, people? A six-pack of Five-Hour Energy couldn't keep Stevie Nicks awake after that. (Not that the junk works anyway, but you know what we're saying.)
Look, we want to see Betty White in a Volkswagen Bus. Penelope Cruz in a Pontiac Aztec. Huey Lewis in a Ford Pinto, which is subsequently set on fire and pushed off a cliff into a pool of mechanical sharks with piranhas for teeth. Something -- anything -- out of the ordinary.
Sylvester Stallone in a Rolls-Royce Phantom? Dude's plastic surgery adventures are more exciting than that.