Dear Teri Hatcher:
We need answers -- in general, and to the following questions triggered by a peek at the photo linked below:
1) Who's your stylist?
2) Do you know that s/he didn't bother styling you today?
3) No, seriously: your hair looks like a wig that's been pulled from a Walmart bargain bin the day after Halloween, and your makeup looks like Wonder Woman's jet. Which is an invisibility reference you should get, since you played Lois Lane that one time and probably have to attend many comic book conventions where Wonder Woman is a frequent topic of conversation. But just in case: we mean you ain't got no makeup on. Or you're wearing Clinique.
4) Did you really throw Nicolette Sheridan under the bus? Yes, we hate that phrase, too, but we watch too much reality television to let it go.
5) Answer the question: did you throw her under the bus? Because it sounds like you and Felicity and ol' Silly Puttyface got together and said, "Screw that lady, we're steering clear of this mess." But instead of just steering clear, you made it seem like poor little Nicolette Sheridan was a nasty, money-grubbing, homophobic b-word. Either you didn't like her very much, or someone held a gun to your head and made you write that note, or you've got terrible communications skills.
6) Did you know that Nicolette Sheridan was immortalized in song? True story: listen to Julie Brown's "Vague", from one of the most genius movies of the 1990s, Medusa: Dare To Be Truthful.
7) Are you really driving a Volkswagen CC in this pic? Because it looks like you totally are.
8) If you are: word-up! The CC looks great, and it's affordable, and this is the first time we've seen a celeb motoring around in one. Bonus points for you!
9) Do you drive yourself around all the time? Because that seems almost as down to earth as owning a CC. Double bonus!
10) Do you have a brother, and if so, does he go around hitting on girls by offering to "bury the Hatcher"? If he does, you should probably punch him, but not too hard, because it's almost funny. And sometimes, we bet it even works.