Tom Cruise

Tom Cruise

Okay, Tom Cruise, you have intrigued us yet again.

We see you here on the set of your new film Wichita, dangling from the roof rack of a Chrysler Town & Country. That raises some questions:

1. Does this count as doing your own stunts? Or do you call them tricks? We don't know all the fancy jargon.

2. In the film, we understand that you and Cameron Diaz "are swept up in a whirlwind of globe-hopping adventure and world-changing secrets". Frankly, that seems a little swashbucklish for the Town & Country. Who picked the vehicles for this vehicle?

3. Let us put that another way: how much did Chrysler pay for product placement?

4. Would you mind telling Peter Sarsgaard hello? The Mysteries of Pittsburgh was a total travesty, but we've found it in our hearts to forgive.

5. After you finish or wrap or stop shooting or whatever, do you and Katie get to keep the van, or does it go to your, um, "church"?

6. I see you wear underwear. Is that a personal choice, or some sort of temple garment? (You people wear temple garments, right?)

We've got loads more questions to ask, but knowing how litigious you and your "church" are, we'll stop. In fact, we may have already said too much.

See you in court!