Diana Ross

Diana Ross

Miss Diana Ross,

Oh, where to start?

We're painfully aware of how long it's been since the heyday of the Supremes. The year: 1969. The swan song? "Someday, We'll Be Together." A final, crowning #1 achievement, forty years ago next month.

The song's title was not meant to refer to you and the dollar menu at Taco Bell, however. Surely this is not the food of the gods and goddesses--though, like anyone, we're vulnerable to a fourth-meal run at 3 a.m. after a string of Irish car bombs and a late finish to the day's conference calls.

We're afraid the picture gets no more glamorous as we pan across the lovingly shot video from TMZ.com--our headline heroes on this third rock from the sun. We're trying to divine if that's your Cadillac Escalade on stage right, or the Scion xB stage left? We could be wrong on the Scion, but really. You didn't stop minting money after Motown. You sang "I'm Coming Out," for Dorothy's sake. We're sure you get a residual for every episode of Will & Grace as a result, and we're sure it's enough to cover a Jaguar payment or two.

Before we trail off into the workday, a word about that chemise. We're sure it's perfect for a variety of events, whether it's sitting in the back row at the Piccadilly Cafeteria, hoping to avoid detection, or selecting a lip balm at Walgreens. It is not the glamour gown we picture you and ourselves wearing every time we sing a medley of girl-group hits into a hairbrush. We know it's not your job anymore, but help us dream a little dream. Stay in sequins.

We understand you're a real person, with a real life, and apparently, a real appetite. Henceforth, at your request, we'll only speak to you in the third person. We know our place. Actually, that's #63, with the grilled gordita, right ahead of you on the counter. Excuse us. Where are the extra-large lids?

[TMZ.com, tip of the hat for best headline ever]