Dear Lindsay, Britney:

Are you happy? Are you happy with yourselves? Have you gotten better, made it over the hump, cleaned up, dried out? We're thrilled.

Sorry, that was mean. Seriously. We're happy that you've found some inner peace. We're happy that you've put the drink and drugs behind you so that you can focus on your careers. You know, such as they are.

But would it kill you to have a little fender-bender? To chase a personal assistant down the freeway? To flash the world your naughty bits as you're stepping onto the red carpet? To go shopping for parakeets?

Because while you're swilling green tea and watercress sandwiches, we're left trying to talk about Kia's sponsorship of the NBA. And do you have any idea how hard that is? There's not even a celebrity directly involved. It's not like LeBron James is all hooked up in an Optima or anything. It's just...

...You know what? Forget it. You go your way and do your thing. We have a sneaking suspicion that your new-found abstinence will last about as long as Perez Hilton's promise to play nice. We'll wait for you to come crawling back. (NB: please be literally crawling when that happens.)