Jake Gyllenhaal

Jake Gyllenhaal


I'm Jake Gyllenhaal. While you've been snarfing doughnut holes and Funyuns and cruising the Xtubes, I've been at the gym. Yeah, baby, you wanna punch this gut? Punch it! I'm rock solid! 10,000 crunches, ya heard?


But oh man, I wish I could have an Eskimo Pie.... I remember Eskimo Pies. With their crunchy outside and sweet, vanilla inside. Kinda like my new Audi Q7, the one you see at the link below. (Don't even try to compare it to me. Nothing about me is vanilla on the inside, ya heard? Grrr!)

Well, it's been nice talking to you. You'll be thinking about me all day, won't you? Me and my sexy abs and my biceps that took me, like, years to perfect for this Prince of Peoria thing. Oh, wait, is that the title? Never mind. You can fix that in post, right?

I'm just going to slide my sweaty behind onto this supple leather seat and scoot on out of here to my deluxe apartment in the sky. Or the hills. I forget sometimes. But believe me, it's good and beautiful, even without Eskimo Pie.

Oh, pie...