Katie Holmes

Katie Holmes

Remember when Katie Holmes was young and fun and showed up in movies like Muppets from Space -- uncredited, even? I mean, wasn't she on Dawson's Creek, like, yesterday? Alas, Katie fell victim to the worldwide karmadump of 2005: that was the year that Dan Rather signed off the air, Hurricane Katrina devastated the Gulf Coast, and Katie met Tom Cruise. None of us have ever been the same.

Shortly after meeting Tom, Katie went on to renounce her Catholic upbring and embrace the hilarious cult alien fairy-tale serious religion known as Scientology, and, after their (possibly arranged) marriage, to bear a daughter, Suri. And knowing Katie's history, once full of promise and possibility, now hidden in a creepy world of New Age mumbo-jumbo, we couldn't help thinking two things when we saw this pic:

1. How does someone who's only 30 manage to look so "soccer mom"? (Answer: low body fat and a three year old child. Bonus points for the cougar-ish Hermes bag.)

2. Does Katie understand the true potential of her snazzy BMW 750Li? For the love of Kermit, child: back the hell out of that lot, snatch Suri out of daycare, and take that rear-wheel-drive on a run for the border!