Hi! 

I'm Pamela Anderson! You might remember me from none of my TV shows or movies.

I used to be Pamela Anderson Lee, but someone told me that sounded too ethnic, so I changed it back. I had to divorce my husband in the process, which made me sad -- but not as sad as when I see people wearing fur. Poor, poor bunnies! PETA ought to put more naked photos of me everywhere to remind everyone about the importance of respecting animals.

Wait, what was I saying? Oh, right: Tommy. Gone. Gone, gone, gone. I miss him, kinda. Well, portions of him. But whatever: I'm Pamela freakin' Anderson. I'll find someone else.

(I know, I hate the word "freakin'", too. I've been in California too long.)

You know, maybe Al Pacino needs a girlfriend! I love an actor. Did you see Cruising? Best movie ever! Well, maybe not as good as Scarface. Or Gigli. But good. Is he married, I wonder? Oh, who cares. But wait -- that wouldn't make a nice monogram. Back to the drawing board!

Driver, once around the park until I figure this out. And would you mind dropping the top? (It feels weird being on the other end of that line.)

No, I don't know whose car this is, but the backseat looks familiar. And slightly...inconvenient. But hey, I can make do in a pinch.  

[PacificCoastNews]