Renee Zellweger

Renee Zellweger

Before we go any further, ladies and gentlemen, please rest assured: BRADLEY COOPER IS FINE. We repeat: BRADLEY COOPER IS ALIVE AND UNSCATHED IN HOLLYWOOD TONIGHT.

Okay, on with the story: once upon a time, people disliked Renee Zellweger because she's talented, cute, and scores good movie roles. Now, people dislike Renee Zellweger because she's talented, cute, scores good movie roles, and she's bunking with Bradley Cooper.

For many moons, we have suspected that Dark Forces are attempting to cause bodily harm to Ms. Zellweger, and now proof has arisen in the form of an elderly lady who sideswiped Renee's Toyota Prius. After exchanging numbers, the star and her underperforming attacker hugged it out, but we've heard that the strange woman (who may have had an Adam's apple and been wearing a wig) continued muttering to herself throughout the whole ordeal: "I'll get you, my pretty. I'll get you, my pretty. I'll get you...."

As far as we know, the lady had disappeared by the time Cooper rolled up in his predictable-but-manly Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen, swooping down to carry Renee to the safety of their sinfully shared love nest. But if movies have taught us anything, she'll be back again someday.

So what we're saying is: Renee Zellweger should maybe sleep with one eye open.