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OnStar Now Protects You From The Zombie Apocalypse

OnStar Now Protects You From The Zombie Apocalypse

Kurt Ernst

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Kurt has been fascinated by anything with wheels and a motor for a long time. Growing up, he spent his spare time turning wrenches and pumping gas in... More

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OnStar's "Monster Dodger" service. Image: GM Corp.

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At first, you thought it was all in good fun. Zombie costumes (and zombie flash mobs) are all the rage these days, so you didn’t think anything of the shuffling, gore-splattered mob until you saw the guy take a serious bite out of the screaming woman at the bus stop.

Suddenly, you’re knee-deep in the zombie apocalypse, with half a tank of gas and only a few stale french fries on the floor of your GM vehicle. Lucky for you, OnStar is now offering a “Monster Dodger” service.

Punching the blue button on your rearview mirror, you explain to the helpful OnStar operator that Main Street, Anywhere, U.S.A. has been over-run by flesh-eating zombies.

With a few clicks of her mouse, the helpful OnStar operator guides you around the undead outbreak, and even warns you about any stray packs of werewolves roaming on your alternate route.

With OnStar’s guidance, you’re able to make it home to your loving and secure family, and you ponder how many lives OnStar saved during this outbreak. You're grateful that your neighbor talked you out of that Nissan Leaf, since you would have run out of charge amidst a pack of hungry werewolves.

While we’ll admit the above scenario is fictitious (so far, at least), OnStar’s “Monster Dodger” service is indeed real. On Halloween, subscribers can call up the OnStar operator and ask for the location of the nearest monster outbreak.

OnStar’s Monster Dodger service will advise on not only zombies, but werewolves, vampires, witches and ghosts, too. Unfortunately, OnStar can’t help you with the things that are truly scary these days, like the failing global economy or rising unemployment.