Rolls Royce CornicheEnlarge Photo
We do not, as a rule, revel in the misfortunes of others. We don't enjoy kicking folks when they're down, or pointing and laughing as cruel Mistress Fortuna sets up phony traffic cones to direct them off the yellow brick road and down some back alley in Queens. It's just not our style.
Correction: it's usually not our style. Nicholas Cage has a strange effect on us.
Nicholas, if you're reading this, you should know that we really liked you, once upon a time. Valley Girl? Brilliant. Birdie? Equally so. Raising Arizona, Moonstruck, Wild at Heart? You were fully on fire, or as the kids say nowadays, fi-ya.
Then you stared down Face/Off. We were trying to summarize the plot of that celluloid crapfest ourselves, but IMDB managed to do that AND hint at the movie's level of quality, all at the same time:
"A revolutionary medical technique allows an undercover agent to take the physical appearance of a major criminal and infiltrate his organization."
Please note that the phrase "revolutionary medical technique" should never be used in the same sentence as "undercover agent". Even the lesser James Bond films didn't stoop that low. Please read treatments more carefully in the future before signing on to projects.
If you follow our advice, you might be able to wean yourself off schlockstravaganzas like the abysmal, I-would-rather-eat-dried-fingernail-polish-than-watch-this-movie National Treasure franchise. That, in turn, might lead to financial solvency. And that, in turn, might allow you to keep homes and even cars that you don't really need, but enjoy having around, because playing the mid-life crisis stereotype is something you do really well. If only the Academy gave out awards for that.
One small request, though: when you get all this unpleasantness hammered out between you and the leasing company about that 1964 Rolls Royce Silver Cloud III and the 2002 Rolls Royce Corniche and your very expensive early termination of same, would you please consider toning down your choice in automobiles? You're an actor -- American royalty! -- not some Dubai douchebag out to spend daddy's money.
Also: please ask Premier Financial Services of Woodbury, Connecticut to whip up a new logo. It's awfully similar to TCC's, and we'd hate to give them a dose of their own medicine.