Breaking: EPA Mandate Forces Carmakers To Use Only Round Letters For Better MPGs

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In possibly the worst-timed government announcement ever, Lisa P. Jackson, the administrator of the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency is currently holding a press conference in Washington, D.C. to announce a new mandate for carmakers: all non-round letters in any badge, nameplate, or other signifier are to be phased out by 2012 in an effort to reduce aerodynamic drag and increase fuel efficiency.

"This is an example of science leading the way in car design. We have put every car on the market through extensive wind tunnel testing and come to the conclusion that the low-hanging fruit of logo drag is simply too juicy not to pluck," said Jackson. "Toyota, BMW, and Lincoln were the worst offenders. The first phase of the mandate will require all Ms, Ws, Ts, and Ls to be removed." Gains in efficiency of 3-5 percent are expected immediately.

Citing research from motorsports as further evidence, Jackson asked, "When was the last time you saw any raised lettering on an F1 car? Or NASCAR? In the future, we hope to be able to allow painted logos, but the threat to our atmosphere and our environment is too great to wait for the necessary re-tooling of plants. The logo drag must go." Jackson insists, "this is NOT an April Fool's joke."

But what about vinyl wraps, you ask? Jackson pre-empted such an idea by noting the huge amounts of petrochemicals involved in the production of the material and adhesive, pointing out that a switch to vinyl wraps or logos throughout the industry would double our foreign oil dependence overnight.

BMW press event introducing 'i' sub-brand, Munich, Feb 2011

BMW press event introducing 'i' sub-brand, Munich, Feb 2011

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BMW has already jumped on board, despite plans for its green-focused 'i' sub-brand, which will see its singular letter on the ban list by October. Instead, BMW will simply brand all of its cars "B," noting that its own testing has found the bumps on the backside of the letter act as tiny vortex generators, actually reducing drag.

Lincoln refused to comment on the matter. Toyota, on the other hand, has already found a loophole, and will be announcing later today that all of its cars will be badged in cursive.

Stay tuned for more as the story develops.
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Comments (12)
  1. I think this is a total waste of public spending by the government on pointless research..... blah blah blah
    only suprise is that the EPA agent isnt a Ms. April Fuels

  2. possibly the most complicated april fools joke ever...

  3. April Fools!

  4. This sounds ridiculous. They have got to be joking. April Fools everyone.

  5. This is the most ridiculous thing i have seen the EPA do in a VERY long time. Whats next banning certain colors because they thing it cause undue glare? We are gunna have nothing but satin brown nascar looking jellybean cars with no uniqueness to them.

  6. You have got to be kidding me. Are we wasting tax dollars on these EPA employee's. The should be ashamed of themselfs wasting money on this kind of research.

  7. this had BETTER be an april fools joke... if not. how STUPID can they be, i mean 5 years int he road their going to be telling auto makers what to sell and what its going to look like.

  8. Not even believable. April Fools joke FAIL.

  9. Can't believe not an April Fools Day joke.. Why doesn't Congress allow some of the Oil companies they have interest in reduce their superfluous profit margin instead!!Or create a more efficient fuel product? I laugh since from the 1970's we still haven't developed an Energy plan. and only in the 1980's when it became profitable did the American Oil companies invest in R&d and start building Refineries . AMERICAN OIL is NO CHEAPER than FOREIGN OIL!! IT"S ALL ABOUT profit!

  10. Mish: I think several of these commenters tend to disprove your claim.
    Everyone else: chill out. It's a joke. See the "Gotcha" tag above? Gotcha.

  11. Only 9 words in, and I'm already laughing my aerodynamically inefficient tail off.

  12. "BMW will simply brand all of its cars "B," noting that its own testing has found the bumps on the backside of the letter act as tiny vortex generators, actually reducing drag"
    this was my favourite line int he whole article. Simply brilliant in its thought process and execution. Bravo to the instigator of this unique April fools gag and bah humbug to those that didnt quite get it haha

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