None of 'em quite lives up to the spontaneous combustion currently en fuego in the form of Carlos Irwin Estevez, a.k.a. Charlie Sheen, this week's Human Car Wreck.
Sheen had us at Platoon, but lost us at the craptastic Two and a Half Men. Somewhere along the line, Sheen lost his tether to reality, too. Maybe for purely biological reasons. Mmmmm, could be.
Since his divorce from Denise Richards--who knew she'd be the grounded one?--Sheen's turned into the Moammar Qaddafi of Sweeps Week, condemning infidels with bravado and bluster ("Bring it"), while truly believing everyone else loves him.
In the past couple of weeks, the increasingly skeletal Sheen has totally gone crackers--shredding his reps on the radio and TV, tarnishing the sterling name of the Tiffany Network (home of Katie Couric!). With his delusional jugular jabs, we're kind of rooting for Charlie, and rooting against the totally predictable myocardial infarction TK. It's a car wreck--but it's a tightly constructed, totally amazeballs wreck if there ever was one.
How quickly has the Sheen Train gotten up to this uncontrollable need for speed? We'll break it down for you in car terms, giving each increasingly worrying episode a rating based on flaming Tatas, because we're classy and because that's how Charlie would want it. We also named the episodes like they did on Friends, because we're pretty sure Charlie and The Aniston are on a collision course, based on their respective track records.
The One Where Charlie's a Truther! Our lovable scamp toes the McVeigh line, insisting the Feds blew up the Twin Towers and the Pentagon in an "inside job"--which is why Inside Edition covered it, maybe?
SCORE IT: One Flaming Tata.
The One Where Charlie Frightens Workaday Call Girls And Redecorates A Hotel Room At The Plaza: In this episode, something allegedly flips Sheen into a rage, and ends in the cops filing a report on the hired help's alleged claims of alleged drug use. Allegedly. These kinds of things are always better animated and subtitled from Chinese, so here you go.
SCORE IT: Two Flaming Tatas.
The One Where Charlie Disses His More Talented Dad And ***** His *** With The Golden Goose: This stuff's so hot, ABC doesn't want to do sharesies with its video. They want people to go to their Web site instead and stream old episodes of Lost instead. Whatevs: we're giving you the Xtranormal version and we're cashing in our 401 (k) to print up a few hundred thousand "Bring It" T-shirts. We're docking him a Tata for the tragic factor here, but giving him two for extra credit for his pointy words.
SCORE IT: A perfect five Flaming Tatas.
Tiny Tata Tiny Tata Tiny Tata Tiny Tata Tiny Tata
The One Where Charlie Cures Himself From A Disease He Doesn't Have! In another unembeddable, Sheen admits he "probably took more than anyone could survive" but brushes it off like Moammar would: "I got tiger blood, man." But, and this is the key point, he's not an addict. He's not on any drug right now--unless you're talking about the drug called Charlie Sheen. Now there's a warning label we're going to follow to the letter!
SCORE IT: Four Flaming Tatas.