Top Five Ways To Kill Your College Car

By Samuel Spencer

Samuel Spencer

BIO

Sam is currently a fourth year Journalism major at the University of Cincinnati. He has been a lot technician at a Ford dealership since 2007, where... More

LATEST ARTICLE
The Virtues of Being Small
The other day I was driving with a friend when they pointed at the Lincoln Town Car in front of us... Read More

• N/ALEADERBOARD RANK
• 122ARTICLES CONTRIBUTED
• 1COMMENTS POSTED

596 views Sep 24, 2010

Jeff Koons' BMW M3 GT2 Art Car

College is over, and it's time for a new set of wheels. Your old college car has become so crappy and embarrassing you can no longer handle being seen in it. The paint is faded, the interior is covered in spilled coffee and stale french fries, the wheels don't match and half the electrics don't work anymore.

I doubt parting with it will be that easy. This car has been faithful to you. It got you to this brand-new part of your life. It was always there for you when you needed coffee at 3 a.m. It got you across the state several times to visit your significant other at a different school. It went through years of ignored oil changes and never complained once. Chances are, you love this car. It might even have a name.

Cars like that deserve more than being traded in so that you get a meager $500 off the MSRP on a new car. They deserve more than a scrapyard. They deserve an honorable death. Here are the five best ways to do so:

Donation: Okay, this one isn't exactly a death. It will probably result in the car's death, but not in your hands. However, if your car is still in drivable shape this is the most honorable thing you can do with it. Not only will you get a little tax relief for donating your old car, but someone else will get to appreciate the car's character just like you did. It gives your car another chance to help someone out, just like it did for you.

Art Car: So what if your bodywork looks like crap? Chances are, an artist will see that as a canvas. They won't care what the car is or what shape it is in as long as they can drive it to Burning Man after turning it into a giant flaming head.

College Kids: College kids love destruction. Chances are, your car is the perfect candidate to be painted up in a rival team's colors, then mutilated with a sledgehammer. Plus, the proceeds might even go to charity! So, your car gets a spectacular destruction and helps out the needy, while letting fraternity guys vent.

Demolition Derby: Think about the stereotypical honorable death scene. Your hero (or heroes) gets their one last close-up shot of them shouting some sort of war cry, then they rush to battle to their death in slow-motion while bittersweet music plays. While it may not be as dramatic, the demolition derby could be the sort of final battle for your old college car. It will duke it out with old Caprices and Aerostars until it seizes forever. It will get cheered on for probably the first time in its existence even if it is by some guy without his shirt on at a county fair.

24 Hours of LeMons: 24 Hours of LeMons is endurance racing for cars bought for $500. If that's approximately what your beater would have taken in on trade, then this is probably the better deal. You get cash for your car and a chance to see it do something it probably never got to do: race. It may not survive the 24-hour endurance race, but wouldn't seeing your Festiva battle with a MR2 at high-ish speed be one of the most hilarious things ever?

So, the choice is yours. Send your car to the scrapyard, or let it serve some higher purpose.