Top Ten Highway Villains

During a road trip, you are most likely going to be driving on the freeway. The freeway is a miserable place. It is an endless strip of barren wasteland with semi trucks, irritable drivers, police with radar guns and terrible drivers. Sometimes they have even stranger or even more annoying vehicles out to join the madness. Here is my top ten list of highway villains that can make the long journey on the open road even less enjoyable.

10. Mercury Grand Marquis

First on the list is the quintessential "get out of my way slowpoke" car, the Grand Marquis. It made it here because it is still one of the top choices for the aging "baby boomer" generation who as we all know love to drive about five to ten miles an hour below the speed limit. They are at the bottom of the list because you really shouldn't get mad at someone who wasn't able to see that the car they bought has been almost exactly the same for nearly 20 years now. So, next time one merges in front of you and fails to reach the speed limit, stay calm and don't road rage, because disrespecting your elders is a terrible, terrible thing to do.

9. Ferrari...anything

Ferrari makes, and has always made exquisite exotic automobiles. They have made so many so well that just about anyone that has been in a car knows the name Ferrari. If anyone sees one they will automatically shout "Ferrari!" like they've spotted a celebrity. Then the driver will be so startled they will crash. This cause of distraction, or a fatal attraction, earns it a spot on the list. Well, not really. The truth is, it just makes you jealous.

8. Jacked-up Pickup Trucks

You really can't pick a specific make/model for this one, because people jack up all sorts of different pickup trucks. The reason they are on this list is because they are some of the worst vehicles to find yourself behind. They will be flicking around mud and gravel from their most recent muddin' session while you are staring at their TruckNutz and their window sticker of a kid urinating on their least favorite domestic manufacturer's logo. Does anything about that experience sound pleasant to you?

7. School Buses

School Bus

School Bus

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I just never feel good when I have to overtake a vehicle full of kids waving at me, or doing something even worse if they're high schoolers.

6. Campers

2001 Pontiac Aztek camper

2001 Pontiac Aztek camper

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Of course, they're slow. Sometimes they're being driven by people out on a camping holiday who don't have a care in the world, so they want to take it easy (10 mph below speed limit). More likely, they are being driven by a father that is being driven to the point of insanity by the complaints coming from the rest of the family. Plus, driving one of those when you're used to something more along the lines of an Aztek can be a pretty annoying experience.

5. Prom Limos

maybach 72 stretch limo 001

maybach 72 stretch limo 001

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Come on, admit it. Once prom is over and the pictures become memories in Facebook albums, you start to realize just how tacky it was. Even tackier are some of the limousines crowding busy highways each spring. A Ford Expedition was a big enough car already, but have you ever tried to merge around a forty-foot long one? It can be absolutely terrifying, especially when a partying sixteen year old is shouting at you the whole time.

4. Oil Burners

2010 Volkswagen Golf TDI

2010 Volkswagen Golf TDI

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You thought I meant diesels didn't you? No sir, I am talking about cars that were just a bit too old before someone below the age of 25 decided they deserved to be featured in 2 Fast 2 Furious. Being lost in a cloud of blue smoke coming out of exhaust tips the size of Folgers cans can be very aggravating and dangerous to anyone caught behind one of these smoking cars. The big problem is, someone who has invested lots of money into rims and spoilers and not much on the engine will most likely consider any attempt of overtaking a challenge. Then, you're speeding. Then you are the one that gets pulled over.

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Comments (9)
  1. this is a dam$ funny article. well-written and spot on - especially regarding jacked up pick up trucks.

  2. And don't forget the other types of highway villain -- that would be tailgaters, right-lane passers, and those who never signal!

  3. Agree with all except the funerals, c'mon, that's just RUDE.

  4. haha.. very accurate. I like this author. His work is quite entertaining.

  5. very very funny - i wonder what the other folks think is the worst menace to the roads except myself offcourse

  6. It's funny, because it's true! :) Nice read, thanks!

  7. dont't forget Ford Focus. or any other SUV/stationwagon.
    they are the worst.

  8. i'm sorry but funeral processions do NOT below on a highway. processions are inherently slow and highways fast. i saw one once go through 280 and 101 (san jose) during rush hour. i'm sorry for the family but they nearly caused a dozen more funerals so screw them, they are the true a$$holes.

  9. Anybody that drives a Subaru is a douche. That's just the way it is. 9 times out of 10 if I'm stuck behind a car going to slow or failing to signal or driver on a cell phone, it's a Subaru. The Forester is the worst, but this applies to all Subarus across the board.

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