The Los Angeles Auto Show: Mitzy and Muffy’s Personal Guided Tour of the Grand Event

"Oh Muffy, I just must get Charles to buy me that new Rolls Royce Ghost sedan. It would look so lovely parked next to our Phantom. Oh, look at me. I am creating a ghost theme with our cars! And you know how I love to throw my theme parties!" Mitzy, a woman of indiscernible age due to having lived her entire life in Beverly Hills, threw her bejeweled hands in the air and cackled hysterically at her own humor and hubris. Even in a city like LA these two were hard to miss.

If there ever could be such a thing, Muffy was the more grounded Betty White-type to Mitzy's flashier and more outrageous Rue McClanahan (If you have no idea what I am talking about watch re-runs of The Golden Girls on Lifetime.) Muffy belonged to a tennis club, a golf club and her favorite thing to eat for lunch was a club sandwich. Muffy like to feel a part of something. It was also very important to her with her choice of car.

"Some may call me a snob because I dont like used cars, used houses or buying a car with a color someone else on this planet might have. My poor husband Harold, he tells me, one more time if we go bespoke we'll be broke! Hes just kidding though. I can't tell you how many hours we spent down at Bentley picking out the wood, the carpets, the leathers, the fabrics for our new Mulsanne. Well I just couldn't have one that looked like the one Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver drive now can I?"

Dawdling about the LA Convention Center as their husbands were off talking business, both Muffy and Mitzy bemoaned the lack of upscale services at the Auto Show. "No one here can make an Apple Tartini and if I dont get one by 2 p.m. I can get pretty nasty," warned Mitzy. Thankfully I waited until 2 oclock so I could walk her around and get her real opinion of the latest luxury cars  on display at the L.A. Auto Show.

30 Minutes Later

"Oh, that Lexus LF-A what were they thinking? I dont even think some dork like Bill Gates would drive that thing. It just reminds me of a really low-tech video game, like ones my kids played before they grew up and stopped talking to me. Oh, yes."Frogger." The Lexus LF-A is the "Frogger" of supercars. Every time I see it I just want to say Riiiibbit!" The sound of this impeccably coiffed and attired woman making frog mating noises got, to put it mildly, quite a few peoples attention.

As Mitzi and I started walking she pulled out a hidden flask and the words were flying fast and loose, "Why does that Porsche sedan have to have such a huge rear end? No one who spends that kind of money needs that much cargo space. Those people have the help to go buy groceries and such nonsense. It puts the poor back in Porsche, thats for sure."

Her occasional slides into the more plebian luxury side of auto manufacturing were equally entertaining. "Lincoln? That still exists? The last time they made a cool Lincoln was when JFK was riding on the back of one."

Mitzy continued her diatribes without allowing any interjecting on my part. She knew what she wanted to say and she was going to say it, "Honey, when you have as much money as I do you start to be able to see the people who have the new money. You know, really see them. They just don't have their taste quite up to our level yet. This is my dirty little truth from me to you. They all drive Lexuses. Cheap bastards. Thats what being poor once will do to you. It will mess you up for life."

At some of the stands she merely bristled and hustled on through (sorry Hyundai, not that premium yet) while still others managed unfortunately to fall under her steely glare. I really needed to get this woman an Apple Tartini because she was getting a bit out of control. "I can't believe that Ferrari, Lamborghini and those lilting Brits over at Bentley didnt come to the L.A. Auto Show. Granted, no one here turns around if you are driving one but that is only because so many of us drive them. Well, I hope they enjoy opening up new marketslike in Cleveland!"